3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
