Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
