I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
