Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
