im about as happy as oj after his trial
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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