I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
