he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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