Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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