Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
