I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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