I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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