I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
