What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
