Just fell off a train. Bad.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
