Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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