I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
