Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
