every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He passed out mid-signature
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
