im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
