My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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