Sponge bath it is.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
