he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
