I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
