nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
