4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm really into asian looking animals
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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