I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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