Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
