I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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