Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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