While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
