I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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