My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
