Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
