tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
