I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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