He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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