he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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