I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize