mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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