Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
