I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize