There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
