If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
