If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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