and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
