Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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