I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
