god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize