I think im going to throw up on grandma
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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