We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think my moral compass just broke
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
