Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
