does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
