yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
