My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
