His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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