Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You're like the curious george of whores
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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